1 Peter 3:4

"Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

So there it is, in black and white.  One scripture...26 words put together to change everything about my character.  That's not a lot.  But one thing I have learned so far on my short journey into the Bible world is that every word matters.  God's words, all of them, were picked specifically and carefully.  So let's break down just what this scripture tells us. 

1.  Beauty should come from within.  Okay.  I can stand behind that.  I'd always thought that was just something us average-looking and not-so outwardly attractive women said to ourselves to make ourselves feel better.  So to know that's actually in the Bible is comforting.  Makes me want to give a collective "so there" to all the women out there who are outwardly prettier than I am.  Feeling good about this journey so far.

2. Inner beauty is unfading.  This just gets better and better.  God is letting those outwardly beauties out there know that yes, I gave you looks, but you won't have them forever.  Another positive for those of us who are average to below average. 

3.  A gentle quiet spirit is the key to unfading inner beauty.  Okay.  Here's where it gets tricky. dictionary.com defines "gentle" as "kindly; amiable: not severe, rough, or violent; mild:  easily handled or managed (WHAT?!) soft or low: polite, refined."  I can honestly say that not one of those definitions defines me at ALL. 

   And although we usually think of "quiet" as referring to noise, in reading the definitions I think these are more on the money:  "restrained in speech, manner
                        free from disturbance or tumult;
                        making no disturbance or trouble; 
                        free from disturbing thoughts, emotions, etc.; mentally peaceful: a quiet conscience.
                       said, expressed, done, etc., in a restrained or unobtrusive way: "

I can't imagine living a life in which I'm "free from distrubing thoughts and emotions."  Because the truth is, there are two things I know beyond a shadow of a doubt about myself.  The first is that I'm a glutton.  I LOVE food; but that's a whole different story.  And the second is that I'm a fighter.  Not a physical fighter, although I can do that too.  But I'm an in-your-face, tell-it-like-it-is kind of person.  I like conflict.  My brain is always preparing for the next verbal conflict.  I'm always going through scenarios, real and fictitious, in my mind and preparing a well-versed, harsh response.  If you challenge me, I will not only win the argument, I will make you feel stupid and worthless while doing it. I get pleasure from it.  I feel a sense of empowerment.  God has given me an incredibly quick wit and sharp tongue, that is even quicker and sharper when I'm angry.  I'm sure there is a Godly purpose for it; but at the moment I do not use them as gifts.  I use them as weapons.  I know this is wrong.  I even know where it comes from (my childhood, of course).  I can't imagine a life where I don't feel like I have to be prepared to fight all the time.  I can't imagine a life where I can have peaceful thoughts and not constantly prepare for someone, anyone, to wrong me in some way.  Is that the life of someone with a gentle quiet spirit.  If it is, I'm all in.

Disclaimer:

So there's one thing about writing a blog like this that has to be verbalized.  More times than not, the situations that you struggle in the most, and the people who have the ability to hurt you the most are your friends -- people you share life with.  They are the people who are close enough to you to have an impact.  So I pray that all of you who are a part of my life and those of you who may read this have the ability to understand that this is my perspective, my walk, my journey, and my story.  It's hopefully a story of growth and spirituality but there may be bumps and bruises along the way.  I don't intend to hurt anyone but only to share my experience and spiritual walk. 

So many questions, so little time....

Okay, so what the heck is a "gentle, quiet spirit"?  Isn't that the first question I should ask?  Probably; but since it's me, that's not the first question I'm asking.  The first question I'm asking is "how the heck am I supposed to have a gentle quiet spirit as a mother and Marine?  Kids have to be yelled at (that's in the parenting handbook; right?).  When my daughter, Jocelyn constructs a tower from a rocking chair, a king-sized mink blanket and a red IKEA children's chair so that she can climb to the top of the Christmas tree to get the star, doesn't that require me to yell, "Jocelyn, get down"? 

And being a Marine...first of all, we don't understand anything unless there's an expletive thrown in for emphasis.  Also, we can't whisper to our Marines.  We have to yell.  That's just how it goes.  So how the heck am I supposed to get the mission accomplished without yelling and cursing?  I don't think it's possible. 

Maybe I should wait until my kids are grown and I retire to start on this mission.....alas, tomorrow's not promised so if I were to get hit by a rouge forklift, I don't want to miss heaven because I was waiting for the right time (read the easiest time) to actually become who God wants me to be. 

Fine.  God 1, Stephanie, 0

Introduction

Well, let me say, first and foremost, I'm not obnoxious, per se. I can be. But for the most part, I'm not. Loud, on the other hand, I definitely am. I'm loud when I'm happy, loud when I'm sad, (very, very) loud when I'm angry.

In my defense, I do have substantial hearing loss, meaning I can't hear myself talk, which is how most people gauge their volume. Okay. Who am I kidding? Hearing loss or not, I am LOUD!!

So who am I and why am I writing this? I'm sure you've noticed there are no fancy titles or letters, acronyms or even substantial experience behind my name. No "Stephanie, Christian Studies PhD" or "15 year Christian." Nothing like that. In fact, the only thing I am, and know I am, is a child of God. I've only been a Christian for about three years and I'm not very good at it. I couldn't quote you a scripture if I had to. I don't lead anything or disciple anyone. I curse occassionally, lose my temper a lot and sin daily. In fact, I'm asked more frequently to not say things, than to say things. I'm known as harsh and ill-tempered. So what qualifies me to write this?

Well, I'm an obnoxious woman (or something like that) and I'm on a journey to have a gentle, quiet spirit. That's pretty much all I got. I want to please God. And this is, for me, an important step in doing that. I don't want to know what other's perceive as a "gentle, quiet spirit." I want to know what God's intention of "gentle, quiet spirit" is for me.

So there I am: inexperienced, a "baby" Christian, no degrees, no pedigree or spiritual wisdom. Just a woman who loves God and wants to please Him. So let's see how this goes.