And now, submission

Have you ever started a project -- or better yet, have you ever avoided a project because you knew that not only would you be working on the task at hand, but other tasks would come out of it?  Yeah, that's how I feel about this journey.  I assumed going into it that the road to a gentle, quiet spirit would include detours in other heart issues, I just wasn't sure when that would happen or how long we'd stay there. 

Well, our first pit stop is submission.  Truth is, I've been working on submission a lot longer than I've been working on a gentle, quiet spirit.  Submission is actually the reason I started on this journey to begin with.  Believe it or not, submission is the one area that I have made radical outward change.  Yes, in the area of submission. I've taken great pains (and yes, it's painful) to not yell at my husband, or demean him, to step back and allow him to lead, to support him and love him and be a safe place for him. 

This has not always been the case.  In fact, it's never been the case.  I have been awful to my husband, down-right evil at times under the premise of making "us" beter.  I was easily offended, easily agitated and easily set off.  And him, more than any other, has paid the price.  The problem with being a fighter is you tend to fight those closest to you.  They have the most access, the most opportunities to hurt or upset you.  Ultimately, I didn't trust anyone, didn't assume that anyone had my back or even had good intentions when it came to me, espeicially my husband.  Life has taught me that those who are supposed to love and protect me, wont.  And my husband walked right into that.

So in the three years that I've been a Christian, I've mastered the art of biting my tongue, allowing him to lead, and not verbally criticizing or attacking him.  But here's what I've realized:  Acting submissive isn't the same as BEING submissive.  Three years later, I'm still as defiant in my mind and heart as I was the day I got baptized.

In the Marine Corps, us lowly enlisted folks have to be respectful to officers.  We have to salute when they walk by.  We have to address them as sir/ma'am.  We're supposed to follow their orders blindly.  In fact, disrespect is a chargeable offense in the Marine Corps.  And yet, no where does it say that we have to actually respect officers.  We just have to ACT respectful.  Do you see the distinction?  It seems so minor.  But when you're dealing with God that teenie-tiny difference could be the difference between heaven and hell.  

And that's what I've been doing to my husband (and God) -- acting submissive instead of actually being subbmissive.  He probably doesn't know the difference or  even care.  He's just happy to have me off his back constantly.  But God knows.  He knows that my inner spirit hasn't changed one iota.  Outward change means nothing when the inner change doesn't happen. 

So not only am I back at square one with a gentle, quiet spirit but I'm back at square one with submission too.  Fine.  God:  2, Stephanie:  0